Day 33
July 14
Today was the worst day in a while. It started out pretty good. The whole class took a bus to lugo which is a city north of sarria along the primitiva. Which is a different route to Santiago in hopes of avoiding some of the crowd since the last 100 km are very busy with people who want to walk the minimum to earn their certificate. So we woke up around 7 and then bussed to lugo and went to a nice cafe in town and had some breakfast. And as I was walking to the bathroom I found 50 euros on the ground.
And usually I'd ask people if it was theirs but there was no one downstairs where the bathrooms were and I was a little upset because marnix had booked a room in an air B&B for him and emma and didn't invite me so I figured it was a sign from the Camino that I should also treat myself. At first I was gonna try to stay with them on the couch but that plan soon went south. So after breakfast we went to the cathedral which was pretty but not one of my favorites.
And then the 3 of us went to a lugo museum which again, wasn't spectacular. And my foot had been killing me all morning. It hasn't hurt this bad in a really long time if ever so I was close to just crying as I walked around the city and we slowly made our way to their room and me and emma sat down and marnix went to go get us snacks and then the woman who owns the room came down to let us in and we all went up. The room was pretty nice. Just a queen bed and then it shared a living room and kitchen with another room people could rent out.
And I was already feeling pretty left out since marnix never includes me in his plans for renting hotels or B&Bs and I know he's just tying to fuck emma again so my happiness doesn't really factor into the equation but I guess I like the thought of us being more of a group of friends rather than them being a couple and me just awkwardly hanging out. And maybe it was my depression acting up but I was sitting on the end of the Queen bed and emma and marnix were laying down and cuddling and being super touchey and watching videos together and I just sat on my phone in silence. And I just got so upset I started tearing up and getting impatient so I booked a hotel so I could get some alone time and they could have their alone time. And so around 1230 I just got up and my voice cracked as I picked up my bag and said I was leaving.
And I just stared at the floor and said I was fine and I just was going to sit in the hotel lobby until 2 when I could check in and they just let me walk out and as I was navigating my way to the hotel emma kept texting me asking what was wrong and if I was mad at her and it just was so much stuff that hit me.
It was the fact that emma blew off my trip to visit her after we got back to go travel with marnix without a thought for how I would feel. And it was the fact that emma kept complaining to me about how Marnix was leaving tomorrow and how she'd have to walk alone as if I didn't do that this entire trip. And it was the fact that marnix wouldn't ever do anything nice for me because I don't put out but he worships the ground emma walks on. So he carries her when her feet get tired and does her laundry and buys her hotels and food and drinks like money isn't an object but he can't do ANYTHING for me just to be a good person.
I had told them a week ago I was really insecure about always losing friends when they get boys so I didn't want to feel like a third wheel or unwanted around them and so my old baggage of losing my best friend when she got a boyfriend last semester came back up and it just hit me that I suck at maintaining friendships. And I told emma that and she said she wouldn't let me out of her life and I believed her. But people always seem to leave and I always seem to be a second choice and I hate feeling like a burden or unwanted and so I just got to the hotel room and cried because I felt like I had no one to turn to.
Nate was at work and once I feel like a burden to one person it's really hard for me to reach out to someone else to talk because that makes me feel like even more of a burden. So I told emma I just felt like a third wheel with them and that marnix made me feel unwanted because he never worked to include me or make me feel like my presence was valued and she seemed really receptive to it and kept asking how she could help because she didn't want me to deal with my depression alone or feel like this.
And then I took an hour nap and then I woke up and walked to class and met up with marnix and emma outside the museum where class was. And somehow seeing them in person just made me more uncomfortable and unwanted and like a pity case they felt sorry for so they kept around. So I kept my distance from them and talked to Corbyn and Kira and Michael in hopes that emma would work harder to win my attention.
And after class we went to dinner together and sitting across from them at the table just put me in a funk. And so I ate the entire dinner in silence just staring At my phone and giving one word answers when they asked me something and I know I was being a brat but my depression was so bad and I was so tired of feeling left out it was just easier to sit on my phone and let them have a nice dinner so I didn't get feel like I was ruining their last night together.
So after dinner we all stood up together and they stopped at a grocery store to get food for tomorrow and I kept walking to my hotel and emma called out and asked if I wanter them to walk me back to my hotel and I said no and kept walking and haven't talked to them in 2 hours. So who the hell knows what's happening. Im hoping I sleep it off and marnix will be gone tomorrow since he's trying to make it to Santiago 2 days before the class so he's rushing the last 100km and taking and bus to get ahead.
So now emma will only have me which will probably be a good thing but I know my depression will spin it so that she's only hanging out with me because she has no one else. So we'll see what happens. I'm really excited to just get home. The other major problem was that I asked nate to pick me up from the airport and he said he'd get back to me wnd when I asked him today he said he couldn't. And it just wasn't another tipping point of the day that sent me over the edge and thank god alyssa said she could pick me up. I miss her so much and she is always there when I need her. So it works out really well. I'm just disappointed I won't see Nate until school starts which is way longer than I planned. But he's busy and doesn't really have time for me and I guess I cant hold that against him.
My zero day turned out pretty awful honestly and I'm feeling really lonely espcially in my single bed hotel room. But it was nice to have some privacy and a nice shower and a real towel so it all worked out and I'm trying to be optimistic tomorrow will be better.
Today was the worst day in a while. It started out pretty good. The whole class took a bus to lugo which is a city north of sarria along the primitiva. Which is a different route to Santiago in hopes of avoiding some of the crowd since the last 100 km are very busy with people who want to walk the minimum to earn their certificate. So we woke up around 7 and then bussed to lugo and went to a nice cafe in town and had some breakfast. And as I was walking to the bathroom I found 50 euros on the ground.
And usually I'd ask people if it was theirs but there was no one downstairs where the bathrooms were and I was a little upset because marnix had booked a room in an air B&B for him and emma and didn't invite me so I figured it was a sign from the Camino that I should also treat myself. At first I was gonna try to stay with them on the couch but that plan soon went south. So after breakfast we went to the cathedral which was pretty but not one of my favorites.
And then the 3 of us went to a lugo museum which again, wasn't spectacular. And my foot had been killing me all morning. It hasn't hurt this bad in a really long time if ever so I was close to just crying as I walked around the city and we slowly made our way to their room and me and emma sat down and marnix went to go get us snacks and then the woman who owns the room came down to let us in and we all went up. The room was pretty nice. Just a queen bed and then it shared a living room and kitchen with another room people could rent out.
And I was already feeling pretty left out since marnix never includes me in his plans for renting hotels or B&Bs and I know he's just tying to fuck emma again so my happiness doesn't really factor into the equation but I guess I like the thought of us being more of a group of friends rather than them being a couple and me just awkwardly hanging out. And maybe it was my depression acting up but I was sitting on the end of the Queen bed and emma and marnix were laying down and cuddling and being super touchey and watching videos together and I just sat on my phone in silence. And I just got so upset I started tearing up and getting impatient so I booked a hotel so I could get some alone time and they could have their alone time. And so around 1230 I just got up and my voice cracked as I picked up my bag and said I was leaving.
And I just stared at the floor and said I was fine and I just was going to sit in the hotel lobby until 2 when I could check in and they just let me walk out and as I was navigating my way to the hotel emma kept texting me asking what was wrong and if I was mad at her and it just was so much stuff that hit me.
It was the fact that emma blew off my trip to visit her after we got back to go travel with marnix without a thought for how I would feel. And it was the fact that emma kept complaining to me about how Marnix was leaving tomorrow and how she'd have to walk alone as if I didn't do that this entire trip. And it was the fact that marnix wouldn't ever do anything nice for me because I don't put out but he worships the ground emma walks on. So he carries her when her feet get tired and does her laundry and buys her hotels and food and drinks like money isn't an object but he can't do ANYTHING for me just to be a good person.
I had told them a week ago I was really insecure about always losing friends when they get boys so I didn't want to feel like a third wheel or unwanted around them and so my old baggage of losing my best friend when she got a boyfriend last semester came back up and it just hit me that I suck at maintaining friendships. And I told emma that and she said she wouldn't let me out of her life and I believed her. But people always seem to leave and I always seem to be a second choice and I hate feeling like a burden or unwanted and so I just got to the hotel room and cried because I felt like I had no one to turn to.
Nate was at work and once I feel like a burden to one person it's really hard for me to reach out to someone else to talk because that makes me feel like even more of a burden. So I told emma I just felt like a third wheel with them and that marnix made me feel unwanted because he never worked to include me or make me feel like my presence was valued and she seemed really receptive to it and kept asking how she could help because she didn't want me to deal with my depression alone or feel like this.
And then I took an hour nap and then I woke up and walked to class and met up with marnix and emma outside the museum where class was. And somehow seeing them in person just made me more uncomfortable and unwanted and like a pity case they felt sorry for so they kept around. So I kept my distance from them and talked to Corbyn and Kira and Michael in hopes that emma would work harder to win my attention.
And after class we went to dinner together and sitting across from them at the table just put me in a funk. And so I ate the entire dinner in silence just staring At my phone and giving one word answers when they asked me something and I know I was being a brat but my depression was so bad and I was so tired of feeling left out it was just easier to sit on my phone and let them have a nice dinner so I didn't get feel like I was ruining their last night together.
So after dinner we all stood up together and they stopped at a grocery store to get food for tomorrow and I kept walking to my hotel and emma called out and asked if I wanter them to walk me back to my hotel and I said no and kept walking and haven't talked to them in 2 hours. So who the hell knows what's happening. Im hoping I sleep it off and marnix will be gone tomorrow since he's trying to make it to Santiago 2 days before the class so he's rushing the last 100km and taking and bus to get ahead.
So now emma will only have me which will probably be a good thing but I know my depression will spin it so that she's only hanging out with me because she has no one else. So we'll see what happens. I'm really excited to just get home. The other major problem was that I asked nate to pick me up from the airport and he said he'd get back to me wnd when I asked him today he said he couldn't. And it just wasn't another tipping point of the day that sent me over the edge and thank god alyssa said she could pick me up. I miss her so much and she is always there when I need her. So it works out really well. I'm just disappointed I won't see Nate until school starts which is way longer than I planned. But he's busy and doesn't really have time for me and I guess I cant hold that against him.
My zero day turned out pretty awful honestly and I'm feeling really lonely espcially in my single bed hotel room. But it was nice to have some privacy and a nice shower and a real towel so it all worked out and I'm trying to be optimistic tomorrow will be better.
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