Day 37
July 18
Honestly yesterday I couldn't write because I was too exhausted and disappointed and angry. We finally arrived in Santiago today and today was the second worst day of the trip. Only slightly better than the very first day through the pyranees. My feet were killing me all day and it's tradition for the whole group to walk together with the slowest people leading the group. Which plot twist, was me and emma today which sucked. The problem was that we didn't even even walk together. The first 2km most people left ahead of us since we were still packing our bags and then we got to a cafe and me and emma left early since we hate waiting around and we knew we'd be slow walking up the hill.
So then we waited at the top of the hill for people and when they got up there they just breezed past us so me and emma walked in the back while Christina lead the pack about .5km ahead of us. And then eventually we caught up when they stopped at a church and again kip told us to go ahead and then they soon caught up and passed us so we ended up walking alone in the back. Eventually kip told us we were going to lead the group and people weren't allowed to pass us.
The problem with this is I was in so much pain by this point so I just walked with my head down and kept yelping in pain and crying in silence so people wouldn't notice. I also had about 5 people walking within 5 feet of me trying to walk at my exact line so they didn't pass me but could feel like they were walking fast which made me super clostraphobic and had me crying more. I was really stuggling going up a huge mountain and Michael made a comment about how slow I was going saying "ugh cmon guys". As if this wasn't hard enough.
I just felt so embarrassed and like such a burden the walk was so horrible and I kept feeling pressured to keep walking even though I was crying and just wanted to rest. Eventually I stopped walking and let everyone pass me because I tried to make a fist and my hand was swollen 3 times it's normal size and was so filled with blood I couldn't bend my fingers. So I fell to the back of the group where emma was and immediately started sobbing when I asked her about my hand. She calmly explained that it happens when she exercises too so I should put my hand above my chest and squeeze her lax ball to get the blood flowing.
And then I ended up just talking about how much pain I was in and how annoyed I was we had to walk together. So we just complained and fell behind the rest of the group and then stopped in a forest to use the bathroom and continued on trying to avoid the rest of the group since they seemed to think I was as much of a burden as I felt. I wanted to finish the walk but I was so angry that kip offered no words of encouragement when he would pass me and he and caroline didn't offer up a pole for me to use as they walked past me crying. Kip wouldn't even look at me or acknowledge me.
It was so frustrating since I was so excited to have kip as my teacher on this trip and the entire time I haven't felt like he cares about me or the class cares about me. The class just kept making jokes about how slow I was walking and would breeze past me without a thought although they claimed this was supposed to be a bonding walk.
At the next cafe they all stopped at, emma and I asked kip if we could just keep walking but he said we had to wait at the church up the street so we walked to the church, got a stamp, and then laid down with our feet in the air to help with swelling. Eventually kip and Lucas showed up and told us we could walk ahead with them and we walked 2 more kilometers into the outskirts of Santiago and kip told us to stop to wait for the rest of the group so me and emma laid down again since we were both in so much pain.
Again, kip ignored us and when he saw the class from way down the road forced us to stand up to wait instead of sitting down to rest our feet which was again, really frustrating and extremely painful. And then the class passed me and emma since we walked slower and they eventually came to a stop at an intersection and kip told us about one year another students family died in a train crash around this spot and kip felt the class was the best group of people to be around him because they had walked together across Spain and they were a family like our class was a family. And I've never felt so much anger and hurt at that statement. Here was a group of people who hardly made effort to check on me and we didn't walk more than 20 minutes together this whole trip. And here was this man who couldn't even tell me I was doing a great job as I cried with every step telling me we were family.
And then we kept walking and again we got left behind and they stopped at another intersection for kip to tell us there was a mall on the first floor of one of these buildings. And it seemed like a joke that I had to stand on my sore feet with tendonitis and blisters and listen to him tell us the most ridiculous facts about this city.
The third stop was him telling us one time him and another student got locked in a bank and me and Emma cracked up laughing at how hilarious it was we were in so much pain and then only thing kip could tell us we're these stories of others studentw from previous years that weren't even helpful or insightful.
The fourth stop was the last couple kilometers where he stopped us and lined us up and told us this was rradirion to walk single file in silence all the way to the cathedral. He put me in front, probably because I was the slowest and then we walked without breaks all the way to the cathedral as I repeatedly teared up at how much pain I was in and what a disappointment this walk was. We kept turning corners and I would pray this would be it finally and I could sit down outside the cathedral but we kept going. And I started sobbing when we finally got to the cathedral because it was covered in scaffolding and the whole trip seemed like a neverendint joke.
I had walked 800 kilometers. I had gotten tendonitis at least 3 times. I had gotten at least 10 blisters. I had fallen down a mountain and cut open my knees. I had chaffed on my thighs and my arms multiple times. I had shed who knows how many tears and here I was at the end of the trip finally in Santiago and the cathedral wasn't even visible.
This trip was probably the biggest waste of $4000 I could've ever spent. I was so disappointed with my relationships (besides emma) and with my personal strength and spiritual growth. I had gone into this hoping I would make such strong friendships and a strong bond with kip as a mentor and I would grow and learn so much about myself and I just sat looking at the cathedral laughing uncontrollably at what a waste this trip was while emma sobbed about how much pain she was in.
We stayed in a really nice albergue that cnu paid for with a single bunk bed and a private bathroom so me and Emma had our private space to complain about our disappointment and anger. After a couple hours we did laundry and went to get pizza, smoothies, burger, fries, and ice cream and then came back and I fell asleep at 7 completely defeated.
I try not to have high expectations about things because I usually end up disappointed and this trip was a perfect example why. Even today I am so sad and so disappointed with everything this trip had to offer. I think I am worse off than I would be if I had just stayed home and worked all summer. I think my antidepressants are the reason my depression has lessened but honestly a lot of this trip has brought back suicidal feelings because I feel like I am not good enough and I haven't lived up to mine or kips expectations of myself.
We walk another 120km to the coast of Spain now and I have no motivation to continue putting myself through this hell for another week. Me and emma agreed we will walk but if it hurts we get in a taxi because we are not ruining our bodies any more than we already have. Sorry this one is so long and sad but the worst thing is this is the toned down version written more than 24 hours after. I was so much more sad yesterday.
Honestly yesterday I couldn't write because I was too exhausted and disappointed and angry. We finally arrived in Santiago today and today was the second worst day of the trip. Only slightly better than the very first day through the pyranees. My feet were killing me all day and it's tradition for the whole group to walk together with the slowest people leading the group. Which plot twist, was me and emma today which sucked. The problem was that we didn't even even walk together. The first 2km most people left ahead of us since we were still packing our bags and then we got to a cafe and me and emma left early since we hate waiting around and we knew we'd be slow walking up the hill.
So then we waited at the top of the hill for people and when they got up there they just breezed past us so me and emma walked in the back while Christina lead the pack about .5km ahead of us. And then eventually we caught up when they stopped at a church and again kip told us to go ahead and then they soon caught up and passed us so we ended up walking alone in the back. Eventually kip told us we were going to lead the group and people weren't allowed to pass us.
The problem with this is I was in so much pain by this point so I just walked with my head down and kept yelping in pain and crying in silence so people wouldn't notice. I also had about 5 people walking within 5 feet of me trying to walk at my exact line so they didn't pass me but could feel like they were walking fast which made me super clostraphobic and had me crying more. I was really stuggling going up a huge mountain and Michael made a comment about how slow I was going saying "ugh cmon guys". As if this wasn't hard enough.
I just felt so embarrassed and like such a burden the walk was so horrible and I kept feeling pressured to keep walking even though I was crying and just wanted to rest. Eventually I stopped walking and let everyone pass me because I tried to make a fist and my hand was swollen 3 times it's normal size and was so filled with blood I couldn't bend my fingers. So I fell to the back of the group where emma was and immediately started sobbing when I asked her about my hand. She calmly explained that it happens when she exercises too so I should put my hand above my chest and squeeze her lax ball to get the blood flowing.
And then I ended up just talking about how much pain I was in and how annoyed I was we had to walk together. So we just complained and fell behind the rest of the group and then stopped in a forest to use the bathroom and continued on trying to avoid the rest of the group since they seemed to think I was as much of a burden as I felt. I wanted to finish the walk but I was so angry that kip offered no words of encouragement when he would pass me and he and caroline didn't offer up a pole for me to use as they walked past me crying. Kip wouldn't even look at me or acknowledge me.
It was so frustrating since I was so excited to have kip as my teacher on this trip and the entire time I haven't felt like he cares about me or the class cares about me. The class just kept making jokes about how slow I was walking and would breeze past me without a thought although they claimed this was supposed to be a bonding walk.
At the next cafe they all stopped at, emma and I asked kip if we could just keep walking but he said we had to wait at the church up the street so we walked to the church, got a stamp, and then laid down with our feet in the air to help with swelling. Eventually kip and Lucas showed up and told us we could walk ahead with them and we walked 2 more kilometers into the outskirts of Santiago and kip told us to stop to wait for the rest of the group so me and emma laid down again since we were both in so much pain.
Again, kip ignored us and when he saw the class from way down the road forced us to stand up to wait instead of sitting down to rest our feet which was again, really frustrating and extremely painful. And then the class passed me and emma since we walked slower and they eventually came to a stop at an intersection and kip told us about one year another students family died in a train crash around this spot and kip felt the class was the best group of people to be around him because they had walked together across Spain and they were a family like our class was a family. And I've never felt so much anger and hurt at that statement. Here was a group of people who hardly made effort to check on me and we didn't walk more than 20 minutes together this whole trip. And here was this man who couldn't even tell me I was doing a great job as I cried with every step telling me we were family.
And then we kept walking and again we got left behind and they stopped at another intersection for kip to tell us there was a mall on the first floor of one of these buildings. And it seemed like a joke that I had to stand on my sore feet with tendonitis and blisters and listen to him tell us the most ridiculous facts about this city.
The third stop was him telling us one time him and another student got locked in a bank and me and Emma cracked up laughing at how hilarious it was we were in so much pain and then only thing kip could tell us we're these stories of others studentw from previous years that weren't even helpful or insightful.
The fourth stop was the last couple kilometers where he stopped us and lined us up and told us this was rradirion to walk single file in silence all the way to the cathedral. He put me in front, probably because I was the slowest and then we walked without breaks all the way to the cathedral as I repeatedly teared up at how much pain I was in and what a disappointment this walk was. We kept turning corners and I would pray this would be it finally and I could sit down outside the cathedral but we kept going. And I started sobbing when we finally got to the cathedral because it was covered in scaffolding and the whole trip seemed like a neverendint joke.
I had walked 800 kilometers. I had gotten tendonitis at least 3 times. I had gotten at least 10 blisters. I had fallen down a mountain and cut open my knees. I had chaffed on my thighs and my arms multiple times. I had shed who knows how many tears and here I was at the end of the trip finally in Santiago and the cathedral wasn't even visible.
This trip was probably the biggest waste of $4000 I could've ever spent. I was so disappointed with my relationships (besides emma) and with my personal strength and spiritual growth. I had gone into this hoping I would make such strong friendships and a strong bond with kip as a mentor and I would grow and learn so much about myself and I just sat looking at the cathedral laughing uncontrollably at what a waste this trip was while emma sobbed about how much pain she was in.
We stayed in a really nice albergue that cnu paid for with a single bunk bed and a private bathroom so me and Emma had our private space to complain about our disappointment and anger. After a couple hours we did laundry and went to get pizza, smoothies, burger, fries, and ice cream and then came back and I fell asleep at 7 completely defeated.
I try not to have high expectations about things because I usually end up disappointed and this trip was a perfect example why. Even today I am so sad and so disappointed with everything this trip had to offer. I think I am worse off than I would be if I had just stayed home and worked all summer. I think my antidepressants are the reason my depression has lessened but honestly a lot of this trip has brought back suicidal feelings because I feel like I am not good enough and I haven't lived up to mine or kips expectations of myself.
We walk another 120km to the coast of Spain now and I have no motivation to continue putting myself through this hell for another week. Me and emma agreed we will walk but if it hurts we get in a taxi because we are not ruining our bodies any more than we already have. Sorry this one is so long and sad but the worst thing is this is the toned down version written more than 24 hours after. I was so much more sad yesterday.
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